Ok all you love struck, cracked out, candy giving people, here’s my Valentine’s day post on the top 5 worst Valentine’s Day gifts. Each of these items are things I found while hunting around the internet looking for gift ideas. If any of you EVER get me an item on this list, we are going to have a serious issue.
1. A message in a Bottle.
Nothing says special like a 1900 castaway message from the one you love. No matter what is in that bottle, if it’s not something I can drink, it will be about as useful as that card I just gave you. It’s going to be thrown away and the bottle recycled. At least the next person can drink their cola out of your love.
2. A Star.
There are millions of them. and they look like freckles in the sky. I wont ever be able to remember where it is, I can’t do anything with it, and I’m never going to visit it. Why not you actually just name one of the freckles on your back after me too.
3. A sexual Coupon Book.
If there is anything I need to use a coupon for, I’m better off with a hooker. It’s like going to the supermarket for sex. I don’t want it to get to the point where we get hot and I pull out a booklet and say, “Oh wait I think I have a coupon for this…”
Yes they are sweet, yes women love them, but how many times do you end up not having a vase just lying around for those flowers. And how often is it the case where the flowers die and then it just gets awkward because your throwing away the gift that was once SO important. Maybe those flowers are trying to tell you something about your relationship. And plastic ones just make you look cheap.
5. Candy Underwear.
How many times do you start to get hot and suddenly you get side tracked. Now your sweating and your groin looks like it just raped a Fruit Loops box. Not to mention who would trust their partner to eat hard candies off of your crotch. No one wants those elastic strings flinging back and hitting anything. And what do you do about the ones on your butt? Do you just tell your partner that your “full”?
I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and I hope you get to find the time with that special someone. It’s the one day a year that those that are in a relationship are actually happy to be in one, while the rest of us are going to town on our own box of heart-shaped chocolates. Don’t worry married men, you’ll be back to wishing you were single tomorrow…trust me.